Shouldn’t I know these things by now? Shouldn’t I be able to do this all on my own? Shouldn’t I be able to try to make decisions in a stressful situation and still take into account others and love them and be encouraging?
The last few days have required me to act more like an adult than probably anything up to this point. How did I handle it? I took charge and freaked out and tried to make sure all the decisions were made without hearing the advice of those around me. (This is an update from Saturday night as a lot has happened in those few short days). Instead of seeing the extra things those around me thought we should do as helpful or listening I shut down because I felt I already had a full plate and could handle no more. Is this how Christ expects us to treat others? Of course not. Even in the scariest of times, even in the darkest of times, when decisions need to be made fast we are still called to love. It isn’t love when I don’t listen. It isn’t love when I shut down. It isn’t love when I snap back because I’m frustrated.
I asked God today why I couldn’t do it all at the same time. Why did I fall so short of being able to make all of these decisions and do it lovingly? Why did I mess up again? Why is it that most of what he has been teaching me here is the same thing, that I need to trust him and he is all I need? So today I’m sitting before him crying as I realize him continually making me aware of my need for him. I can’t do it all. I’m so imperfect. I can’t handle the situations perfectly and quite honestly I hate it! I hate the fact that I am not always kind, wise, caring, loving, compassionate. I hate that I can be selfish, mean, short tempered, foolish, and not compassionate. I hate it because I want to be like Christ but I also hate it because I can’t be all of those good things by myself. I hate that I can’t do it on my own. It makes me feel like all the work the Lord has been doing in me isn’t working because I still haven’t figured it out.
So what does the Lord remind me this morning. He says to me in Proverbs “My child don’t reject [my] discipline and don’t be upset when [I] correct you. For [I] correct those [I] love, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” 3:11-12. “Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom instead fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.” 3:7-8. “Trust in [me] with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek [my] ways in all you do and [I] will show you which path to take.” 3:5-6. “You can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. You need not to be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for [I am] your security. [I] will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.” 3:24-26. In one chapter of scripture the Lord prepared a feast for me.
He provided yet again. It is ok that I’m not perfect. I won’t be until Christ’s return as Philippians 1:6 “And I am certain that God who began a good work within you, will continue his work until is is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” This is good. As Paul talks of our imperfections allow us to always remember our need for Christ. “‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness’. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
I asked the Lord to stretch and grow me like never before this summer. I asked him to show me how to depend on him in a whole new way. I thought that meant listening to his voice as I went out and did amazing things for his kingdom. I thought it meant seeing amazing results as I listened to his voice and followed where it took me. I didn’t realize it meant he was going to humble me in such a beautiful way time and time again. I feel as if I have written this same blog post over and over again. I need him. I need him. I need him. Today he reminded me that is ok. He loves me. If I wasn’t being disciplined and corrected I should be worried because he corrects those he loves. He is definitely answering my prayers though! I’m definitely learning to depend on him and learning all the ways that I don’t.
So to update you all on the current situation. I am feeling much better. By Sunday morning, I felt revived and refreshed. Natalee is still not well and they are not sure what is wrong. Her Mother, Roxanne Dukes, was by God’s grace and planning here with the Cross Roads team and was able to extend her trip to stay with us and take care of Natalee. We are all exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We need prayers for direction. We need prayers for the grace to trust the Lord with what we can’t control. We need prayers for strength. Thank you to all who have continually been walking this journey with me. I know I fall short. I’m learning that here in so many ways. Thank you for your grace in seeing me with the same eyes as our heavenly Father.
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