I feel quite often here that I’m trying to run a marathon but my feet are stuck in quick sand. There is so much I want to do, so much I expected to do, and so much that just does not get done. At the end of every day I come home absolutely exhausted no matter how much sleep I have gotten or if we didn’t even really do anything that day. There is just this sluggish feeling that has fallen on me. What do I have to show for my 5 weeks here? Some pictures drawn by the baby class, some lessons taught about plants to the primary 6 students, and some math problems worked out by the primary 5 students. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing at all. At the end of the day I come home so spent and then look back and feel as if I have done nothing. Not to say that spending time with the kids at HUMBLE is nothing, only to say that I wish I could be doing so much more for them.
Today, I am just feeling like the preachers kid I grew up being times 10. Every time we go anywhere we are watched by EVERYONE. I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel as if I’m back being 14 at church on Sunday trying to make sure I do everything right as people watch and wait to report to my parents or their friends what exactly David Garrett’s daughter is doing. I’ve been trying to think back to how I managed to get over that in my teenage years. How did I decide to just follow the beat of my own drum?
I decided it when I realized that the Lord’s opinion is the one that matters. When I decided that I wasn’t there to make my name famous but his. I stopped looking at who was looking at me and what I was not and started looking up at who I wanted to be like. I can’t. I’m to young. It’s not safe. That’s all I’ve done. Me. Me. Me. Me. All I have been talking to the Lord about is all that I haven’t been able to do or can’t do. I haven’t even realized all that he has done. I’ve been looking at him and saying “Why did you bring me here to make me feel like a bird in a cage, being watched with no place to go?”
He has been trying to get me to see that it isn’t about me. It isn’t about what I can do, how tired I am, who is looking at me. It is about what he can do and is doing. He did bring me here for a reason, even on days like today when I question why I’m here. He provided the money. He put me on that plane. He has carried me through the last 5 weeks. He has helped me to build relationships with the children. He has taught me to listen to them because they have a lot to say. He is using me even when I can't see it. It isn’t always roses and sunshine. I don’t always see the fruit of my work. But even if I feel as if I’m doing nothing, he is doing something, which obviously means its going to be amazing. So I’m gonna go to school tomorrow and probably teach some more about plants and algebra and sing some songs with the baby class. I might get my hair braided and go to the fish pond. I might even feel again like I have done absolutely nothing. I just have to trust that though I feel like I’ve done nothing, that one tiny bit of information I taught to my primary six student, he is going to remember on his exam and it will make the difference between him passing or not. That little bit of encouragement I give my primary 5 student as they try to remember their multiplication is going to give them that little extra nudge to believe, with God, they can have all the wisdom in the world. Those few crazy hair days, where my head is full of braids is going to have allowed that one conversation to take place that might have reminded that girl that someone cares enough about her to sit and talk with her. No, it might not seem like much, but with a God as big as ours, it can be something bigger than I could imagine.
Today he reminded me of the fish and loaves story. I’m sure the disciples were feeling like they had accomplished little of what the Lord asked them to. He asked them to go get food for the thousands of people. They brought him 5 loaves and 7 fish. They said I have done nothing. This is so little when I look at all the need around me. Jesus said this is more than enough to fulfill my purposes. Then he fed the more than 5 thousand people. All I can do is trust that what I bring to the Lord he will multiply. He knows the need around me better than I do. He will fulfill it and it doesn’t take a lot for him to accomplish big things. I guess it is ok to stick to my little things. So please pray. Pray for encouragement from the Lord that I will trust him with what I cannot do. Pray for a continued desire to get out of bed in the morning and continue the work he has brought me here to do. Pray for me to start being seen not as the Mzungu from America, but these people’s sister in Christ.
Ignore grammatical mistakes. My students are either rubbing off on me or I'm just too tired to go over it. Thanks for your continued prayers and support.
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
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